HOW TO SUCCEED IN A FL GA OR AL PARENTAL TIME SHARING PLAN OR CUSTODY AGREEMENT

HOW TO SUCCEED IN A FL GA OR AL PARENTAL TIME SHARING PLAN OR CUSTODY AGREEMENT


This article is for Brawer, Hirsch and Associates P.A. clients who are highly invested in making their South Florida, West Georgia or East Alabama time sharing and custody agreements successful. It’s for those of our Fort Lauderdale FL, Columbus Georgia or Phenix City-Auburn-Opelika Alabama clients who wish to save large amounts on attorney fees, desire a smooth transition for their children, and wish to make their lives and their children’s lives as peaceful as possible.
Many of our Broward County-Palm Beach or Miami-Dade County FL, Muscogee, Harris County, GA or Russell or Lee County AL divorce or paternity clients express an intention to our lawyers their desires to end their marriages or relationships without causing undue damage to their children. Additionally, there is the desire to avoid a long , expensive and bloody divorce war.
Here’s how that can be done.
It is generally understood that the emotional aspect of ending a relationship gives rise to anger, frustration, insecurity, apprehension and uncertainty. If you have not experienced any of those feelings as you end your relationship, I suggest you seek professional counseling. In other words, expect to become emotional as your marriage or relationship ends. It’s only natural. How you deal with it is another matter.
To assist you as you proceed through the parental time sharing or custody sharing process, I suggest you keep in mind these basic concepts:
1. Keep focused on your goal
You are getting a "No Fault Divorce" which, by its very definition, means that neither you, nor your spouse, will be accused in court of committing acts which brought about the end of this marriage. The legal “no fault ground” for your
Fort Lauderdale, Boca Raton or Miami, Florida, Columbus, Hamilton, Georgia or Phenix City Opelika-Auburn,Alabama divorce (referred to in Florida Family Courts as a “Dissolution of Marriage”) is an "irretrievably broken marriage". In Alabama it is also referred to a “incompatibility”. In law, we define this as a couple who no longer shares the same goals, dreams and aspirations they once did at the time the marriage was originally consummated.
It is important to understand this can be entirely true without either person committing a negative or harmful act. It can also be said that this is no indication of a deficiency of character, lack of competency as a partner or lover, or more importantly, a lack of parenting skills of either parent.
An eventual lack of commonality and interests is merely a growing apart of the otherwise past perfect unity of the parties.
Do not view yourself as less than capable, desirable, or competent in your role as a spouse or parent simply because your marriage is ending. It is best not to bring to the mediation table, the need to defend yourself or prove fault.
Be accepting of what your partner says about you, as painful as that may be. Your partner’s feelings are just as “true” for him/her as your feelings regarding your partner are for you. It will not ultimately serve you to demean their “truth”.
It is not your job to “fix” your former partner or child’s other parent. If you feel the need to “fix” your partner or child’s other parent, I suggest you investigate the potential for marriage or family counseling together. Ultimately, you lack the professional skills to fix them. This was never your job to begin with. Making or keeping your partner or child’s other parent “small” by hurtful comments won’t get you what you want if “resolution” and closure are your mediation goal. An honest expression of your anger, resentment and frustration is a good thing to express to a partner in counseling or family discussions but it is generally non-productive in seeking to resolve the issues at mediation. Know what you want to accomplish from this face to face encounter in advance. Generally, you don’t have both a chance at revenge and an opportunity for compromise. Choose one and be alright with whichever is your goal. Be accepting of the lost opportunity to express your anger if compromise resolution is your goal. Alternately, be willing to pay for the cost of future litigation if recrimination and revenge is where you want to take the encounter. Either way, it’s your choice independent of the choice your partner or child’s other parent makes.

2. Forget what you have seen on television, viewed at the movies or read in novels regarding divorce in bygone years
Your spouse's lack of interest in continuing as a “spouse” does not generally include a lack of desire to continue being a “parent”. You are divorcing each other, not divorcing the role of being a parent. Do not see the end of your marriage as "You and the children vs. your spouse".
Make as part of your mediation goals the creation of a shared parenting team to include you the parents, the children and both your extended families. Commit to working as a team toward the common goal of allowing your children to be “children”. Make their special times about them and not about your ongoing anger driven divorce related emotions. Put your former spouse back on your team to create the most beneficial parental time sharing plan you can which will best serve your children’s needs. Then don’t forget to enroll on his/her team as well. Recognize that working “together” can only benefit your children. Remember, too, the best team leaders are the ones who are willing to really listen before they talk.

3. Realize that you and your behavior are under the microscope
Your children have a right to enjoy a meaningful relationship with each parent and the degree of closeness which either of you establishes with them needs to be unaffected by the anger and disappointment you may feel toward each other. Your children are “your children” – not your attorney’s, not your psychological counselor’s, not your confidant’s and not your best friend’s. Short direct answers free from recrimination or parental alienation work best in answering their questions. They will seldom ask you the questions they really want answered which are “Did I, as your child, cause this split up?” or “Will I become an orphan now?”
Your children watch everything you do and say including the “tone” in which it is said. They will respond accordingly. Alienating them against their other parent is a form of mental child abuse and creates anger and resentment in them which will lead to more serious consequences as they become teenagers. Remember the adage “Little children little problems, Big children, BIG PROBLEMS”.
Make your children's right to receive love and attention from both of their parents your ultimate goal in mediating a time sharing plan. Neither of their parents should be the “winner” in these matters. Both of them should strive to make their children the “winners”.
4. We are better parents at different stages of our children's lives.
Just because your spouse may have failed in your eyes as a responsible parent at one stage of the children's lives does not mean he/she is not a capable parent. Often a divorce is the catalyst which awakens the desire to be a parent even if it appears it is being done for an ulterior motive. Try to overlook his/her lack of parental interest or responsible behavior in the past and hold an intention that they will grow into the role of a better parent as the children age. We are not so much “human beings” as we are “human becomings”. Encouraging change is not a bad thing however, your best bet to accomplish that starts with the behavior you chose.
It also helps to “let them off the hook” and stop expecting them to be someone new. Remember that one of the benefits of divorce is that your former partner’s choices are no longer your problem. Give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes as well.
Remember too, how your partner chooses to be seen by their children will have to come from them. What relationship your spouse will or will not have with the children will be that which they alone choose to create. Simply get out of their way and give them the opportunity to succeed or fail.

5. The flaws we find most repugnant in the persons who affect our lives are usually the very behaviors we ourselves display and for which we lack self acceptance.
We are a nation of “blamers”. Somehow that has permeated our marital and shared parenting relationships. Blaming your ex-spouse is about the least valuable way to deal with any situation which may arise with your mediation negotiations or your time sharing efforts. Rather than find fault with your shared parenting partner, look for the very ways and times when you have done the same things of which you complain. It may require some intensive introspection but it’s there in one form or another.
Of course you are right in your complaint and of course you can assign responsibility for the failure of your marital partnership to others. But what does that get you? Without looking at your own role in how you have contributed to that failure you are simply wasting an opportunity for your personal growth. Be willing to look at your part in the dissolution and, as they arise, in the future time sharing problems. Hold responsibility for it with a bona fide commitment for positive change rather than mere tacit acknowledgement. Commitment, without taking action is merely rhetoric.




6. Whose interests are you really protecting?
Whenever the need to protect your children from your estranged partner or child’s other parent becomes paramount, reflect back on when you were together as a couple. How imperative was that same level of protection from your partner or child’s other parent at those times?
If the other parent was qualified to be responsible for your children when you were a couple then recognize that he/she does not lose that qualification simply because you are no longer together. Invest your emotions in being supportive of your shared parenting partner's role, not in looking for ways to undermine it.
Don't let your concern about losing the close bond with your children that nurtures your own personal needs cloud your ability to be fair and reasonable in mediating your parental time sharing plan. Be sure when you commit to fight for the protection of your children that it‘s really their interest you are trying to protect and not your own. You are not protecting them when you deny your ex-spouse or child’s other parent the opportunity to be a parent. Isn’t it possible that you are protecting You and your needs. In the end, regardless of how valiant you see this effort, you are possibly doing damage to the children. Allowing them the opportunity to have two parents is a form of giving them love though they may not see it today or express appreciation for it for many years to come.
Remember that as you are trying to protect your children, they are simultaneously trying to protect you. Give them a forum for expression but know that their need to protect you may color their complaints about your ex-spouse or their other parent. Don’t hold your children to the same standard of truth and perception as you would in less trying times.
But when they talk, listen with your heart as much as with your ears. Find a way to let them know that you empathize deeply with how your behavior has made them feel by telling them what you think they are experiencing. Defending or justifying won’t help. You will know you are correct by the expressions on their faces. Encourage them to express these feelings to their other parent with the hope that they will equally empathize. That’s truly “hearing them”. You will be amazed at how that small effort will affect your relationship with them and others in your life. It will take the anger out of most problems.
Demand that they respect their other parent even though at times it may hard. The respect that you instill in them for their other parent will pay dividends for you many times over even if it requires a stretch for you in the effort.

7. Children cannot have too much quality love or too many decent role models.
Extended families who are supportive of children and whose lives reflect a positive example cannot be a negative factor even if their presence creates in you, feelings of jealousy, envy, anger and disappointment. The person who comes into your children's lives will not replace you, cannot replace you and will likely be supportive of your parenting role if given the opportunity. Remember this is true despite lavish gifts, expensive opportunities and famous pasts. Do not let your personal disappointments limit the time sharing opportunities where your children have the benefit of grandparents, new significant others and new siblings. You cannot lose your children to a new spouse or another love interest but you can drive them away with obsessive anger, tortuous interrogations and denying them the opportunity to have two families.
We ask these children to grow into adolescence while coping with the emotional stress of our failed partnerships. If we are able to set good examples as caring, responsible adults who treat each other and family members with care and respect, we give our children the gift of valuable life lessons they will surely emulate.
Remember too, that you have already demonstrated to your children that partnerships between men and women can “crash and burn”. How powerful would it be for them to see that even though male-female relationships may fail on one level they can flourish on another? How would that impact them as they form their own male- female relationships in years to come?

8. Nothing in life is learned by doing something right.
We only learn by making mistakes. Think about that concept. Then embrace your mistakes for the life lessons they bring you. Through your mistakes, you became the intelligent and capable person you are now. If you see the decision to marry coupled with your choices and behaviors which led to its demise as “your mistakes" then look at how you have learned so very much from those mistakes. Look at how important what you learned will be in forming relationships through the rest of your life. We all hope to learn as long as we live. Give yourself permission to make lots of mistakes and appreciate what you learn from each one of them. Allow your children and ex-spouse or children’s other parent that opportunity as well. Help them see the lesson without judgment. Do not let your mistakes or your former partner’s mistakes stand in the way of creating a workable shared parenting plan.
Never say “never” or “always”. Life, contrary to the pronouncements of many litigating partners, does not end at divorce, socially or productively. Make the lessons from these painful mistakes of today be your guide toward an anticipated future life of joy and happiness.

9. No one truly holds responsibility for your happiness but you. How we live and how we feel about our lives are always a "matter of choice".
If you are demanding that others "make you happy" you will live in a world of constant disappointment. If you make such a demand, you need to recognize that you are choosing to be a “victim”. Are you really so helpless? Have you lost your “chooser” ability? Generally that misplaced demand and the refusal to hold responsibility for our own happiness is exactly what destroys most relationships. Not finances. Not adultery.
Logic tells us that the bad things which happen to us should make us sad but it’s still a “sadness” we choose. Choose happiness and encourage your children to do the same. Always easier said than done, but, oh so much more rewarding in the end. The alternative is to feel the pain of this experience every day of your life. A painful knife wound may heal in a few months but a choice to hold on to anger may last a lifetime. It’s your choice.



10. "Fear" and its partner "Afraid" are limiting words.
Using them as part of your mediation and co-parenting vocabulary and expressing them to your children has a paralyzing effect on the actions you want to take or you want them to take. The dictionary and thesaurus are filled with other words which work so much better. Use them. Do not bring "fear" with you to your mediation. There are legal protections for true dangers. Though exceedingly onerous and burdensome for future co parenting efforts, this should be implemented only if there is a clear and factual basis for it. Caution, discretion and introspection are all to be utilized before going down that road. Be mindful that the emotional and logistical price are very high for you and the children as well, and must be weighed against the severity of the need.

11. How you “say it” is as important as what you are saying.
The “tones” and body language you chose to use in your time sharing efforts, i.e., the way you say what you feel and express your concerns, should express the same thing as the words you use. Tone and body language often speak "truth" while words do not.
The collapse of your relationship itself can be traced back to when you or your partner’s tones and body language expressions first ceased to convey the same meanings as words which were said. Your house pets are sensitive to what you are conveying by the tone you choose when you give them a command. Are you children or partner less intelligent than your pets? Remember the first time your partner said, “I love you” and it didn’t sound as if it was heartfelt?
Be mindful in your negotiations of the tones you chose and how you say what you want the other party to hear. You will be amazed at how your message will be received if you say it without also conveying anger. So don’t “fight fair”. Don’t engage in frontal “face to face” encounters. Simply move to the side avoiding “eye to eye” contact and insist on your ex spouse removing the angry tones from what he or she has to say. Say: ” I need to hear what you are trying to tell me but I can’t hear what you are saying with such anger in your voice. Take out the anger and tell me what you have to say. “You will be amazed how hard it is to fight with no one in your face or without using anger in your tone. You may even find yourself engaged in a genuine co parenting discussion!

It’s not weakness to do so but, in fact, a higher plateau of self-control. We can express anger with ease. The question is, “Are you willing to learn to speak the more cooperative language of co-parenting?” Which will better serve your children?

12. “If you don’t ask, no one can tell you NO”
Do not be afraid to put out into the universe that which you want for yourself and for your children. Generally the more you ask someone to do for you the more they are willing to do. Strange, isn’t it? Making a parenting plan or shared custody arrangement work is a study in a “give and take” process and should be viewed in that light. Giving 125% and only expecting 75% in return from your ex spouse or child’s other parent is a formula for success in most parental time sharing plans or custody sharing arrangements.
Remember too, that this is potentially an ongoing legal matter. Your future is on the line for years to come and the relationship with your children will be shaped by what sort of relationship you choose.
You do not want to look back in anger over what you were afraid to ask for. Nor do you want to (reflect and feel animosity over what you wanted to ask for and decided not to pursue. Lobby strongly for what you want and need. Take quality advice to heart from your attorney regarding the law. Be logical as opposed to emotional whenever possible.
Don‘t draw lines in the sand and ignore those who want to. You are selling your position and good salesmen expect to hear “No” at least five times before they make the sale.
Remember closure is a beautiful thing …at least until the next co-parenting issue arises.


David L. Hirsch is a partner in the law firm of Brawer, Hirsch, & Assoc., P.A. of Fort Lauderdale, FL. He is licensed in FL, GA and AL and has been involved in family law matters all through the Southeast for the past three decades. He is also a circuit court family certified mediator and circuit court arbitrator. He is the author of “NO HARM DIVORCE” the course and teaching manual and has taught this and other personal growth courses. His firm, Brawer, Hirsch, & Assoc., P.A. has been recently mentioned in the 2009 editions of Superlawyers magazine and Southeastern Legal Guide in their top fifty family law attorney ratings section.