HOW TO SUCCEED AT A

HOW TO SUCCEED AT A
FL GA OF AL DIVORCE MEDIATION

This article is for our Brawer, Hirsch and Associates, P.A. South Florida , West Georgia and Eastern Alabama divorcing client engaged in litigation involving dissolution of marriage, negotiating time sharing, modification of custody, alimony or child support who are highly invested in ending their marriages and wish to save large amounts on attorney fees, desire a smooth transition for their children and wish to make the mediation process as short, cooperative and peaceful as possible.
This article is for those Fort Lauderdale, FL, Columbus, GA or Phenix City or Auburn-Opelika AL divorcing couples or litigating parents who are highly invested in ending their marriages without expending large amounts on attorney fees, without causing undue damage to their children and without making the mediation process merely a battle in a long and bloody war.
It is generally understood that the emotional aspect of ending a relationship gives rise to anger, frustration, insecurity, apprehension and uncertainty. If you have not experienced any of those feelings as you end your relationship I suggest you may want to seek professional help. In other words, you should expect to become emotional as your marriage or relationship ends. It’s only natural. How you deal with it is another matter.
To help you as you proceed through the mediation process which will help you accomplish your goal of ending the marriage, I suggest you keep in mind these twelve basic concepts:
1. Keep focused on your goal at mediation.
You are getting a "No Fault Divorce" which, by its very definition, means that neither you, nor your spouse, will be accused of committing acts which bring about the end of this marriage. We refer to the legal no fault ground for your Florida ,Georgia or Alabama divorce (referred to in Florida Family Courts as a “Dissolution of Marriage”) as an "irretrievably broken marriage" and in Georgia also as “incompatibility”. We define that at law as a couple who no longer share the same goals, dreams and aspirations for the future they had at the time the marriage was consummated.
It is important to understand that this can be entirely true without a single negative act by anyone, without a deficiency of character by either party, without a lack of competency as a partner or lover, without a lack of attractiveness or desirability or, of serious importance, without a lack of parenting skills by either party.
A lack of commonality of interests is merely a growing apart of the otherwise perfect unity of the parties.
Do not see yourself as less than capable, less than desirable or less than competent as a partner, as a spouse or as a parent simply because your marriage is ending. You should not bring the need to prove fault to the mediation table or the need to defend yourself.
Assume that what your partner says about you is true in all respects, painful as it may feel. Their feelings about you are just as “true” for them as your feelings about them are for you.
It is not your job to “fix” your partner at mediation. If you feel the need to “fix” your partner, I suggest you investigate the potential for marriage or family counseling together.
Making or keeping your partner “small” by hurtful comments won’t get you what you want if “resolution” and closure is your mediation goal. An honest expression of your anger, resentment and frustration is a good thing to express to a partner in counseling or family discussions but it is generally non productive in seeking to resolve the issues at mediation.

2. Forget what you have seen on television ,viewed at the movies or read in novels regarding divorce in bygone years.
Your spouse's lack of interest in continuing as a “spouse” does not generally include a lack of desire to continue being a “parent”. You are divorcing each other and not divorcing the role of being a parent. Do not see the end of your marriage as "You and the children vs. Your spouse".
Make as part of your mediation goals the creation of a shared parenting team to include both parents, the children and both your extended families. Commit to work as a team for the common goal of allowing your children to be “children”. Make their special times be about them and not about your divorce. Put your ex spouse back on your team to create the most beneficial time shared plan you can which will best serve your children’s needs. Then enroll on his/her team as well.

3. Realize that you and your behavior are under the microscope.
Your children have a right to enjoy a meaningful relationship with each parent and the degree of closeness which either of you establishes with them needs to be unaffected by the anger and disappointment you may have with each other. Your children are “children”. Not your attorneys, not your psychological counselors, your confidants or your best friends. Short direct answers free from recrimination or parental alienation work best in answering their questions. They will seldom ask you the questions they really want answered which are “Is this split up our fault?” or “Will I become an orphan now?”
Your children watch everything you do and say including the “tone” in which it is said. They will respond accordingly. Alienating them against their other parent is a form of mental child abuse and creates anger and resentment in them which will lead to more serious consequences as they become teenagers. Remember the adage “Little children little problems, Big children, BIG PROBLEMS”.
Make your children's right to receive love and attention from both of their parents your ultimate goal in mediating a time sharing plan. Neither of their parents should be the “winner” in these matter. Both of them should strive to make their children the “winners”.
4. We are better parents at different stages of our children's lives.
Just because your spouse may have failed in your eyes as a responsible parent at one stage of the children's lives does not mean they are not capable parents. Often a divorce is the catalyst which awakens the desire to be a parent even if it appears it is being done for an ulterior motive. Try to overlook their lack of parental interest or responsible behavior in the past and hold an intention that they will grow into the role of a better parent as the children age. We are not so much “human beings” as we are “human becomings” and encouraging change is not a bad thing. As you mediate don't fix in stone positions from the frustrations of the past but be flexible and give your spouse the opportunity to progress as a parent if he/she wishes to make that choice.
5. The flaws we find most repugnant in the persons who affect our lives are usually very things we do ourselves for which we simply do not have self acceptance.
Rather than find fault with your shared parenting partner look for the very ways and times when you have done the same things of which you complain. Take the anger out of the equation as you seek to mediate, change the tone in which you want to express your concerns and do not seek to punish the other parent by unreasonably holding on to the past.
6. Who’s interests are you really protecting?
Whenever the need to protect your children from your estranged spouse becomes paramount, reflect back on when you were together as a couple and how imperative was that very protection from your spouse at those times?
If the parent was qualified to be responsible for your children when you were a couple then recognize that he/she does not lose that simply because you are no longer together. Invest your emotions in being supportive of your shared parenting partner's role, not in looking for ways to undermine it. Don't make your concern about losing your close bond with your children cloud your ability to be fair and reasonable in mediating your shared parenting plan. Be sure when you committed to fight for the protection of your children it‘s really their interest you are trying to protect and not your own. You are not protecting them when you deny your ex spouse the opportunity to be a parent. You are protecting you and your needs. In the end, regardless of how valiant you see this effort, you are doing damage to the children.
Remember that as you are trying to protect them, they are simultaneously trying to protect you. Give them a forum for expression but know that their need to protect you may color their complaints about your ex spouse. Don’t hold your children to the same standard of truth and perception as you would in lesser trying times.
7. Children cannot have too much quality love or too many decent role models.
Extended families who are supportive of children and whose lives reflect a positive example cannot be a negative factor even if their presence creates in you feelings of jealousy, envy, anger and disappointment. The person who comes into your children's lives will not replace you, cannot replace you and will likely be supportive of your parenting role if given the opportunity. Remember this is true despite lavish gifts, expensive opportunities and famous pasts. Do not let your personal disappointments limit the time sharing opportunities where your children have the benefit of grandparents, new significant others and new siblings. You cannot lose your children to a new spouse but you can drive them away with obsessive anger, tortuous interrogations and denying them the opportunities to have two families.
Remember too, that you have already demonstrated to your children that partnerships between men and women can “crash and burn”. How powerful would it be for them to see that even though male-female relationships may fail on one level they can flourish on another? How would that impact them as they form their own male- female relationships in years to come?
8. Nothing in life is learned by doing something right.
We only learn by making mistakes. Think about that concept. Then embrace your mistakes for the life lessons they brought you. Through them you became the intelligent and capable person you are. If you now see the decision to marry or your choices and behaviors which led to its demise as “your mistakes" then look at how you have learned so very much from those mistakes. Look at how important what you learned will be in forming relationships all through the rest of your life. We all hope to learn as long as we live. Give yourself permission to make lots of mistakes and appreciate what you learn from each one of them. Allow your children and ex spouse that opportunity as well. Help them see the lesson without judgment. Do not let your mistakes or your former partners mistakes stand in the way of creating a workable shared parenting plan.
9. No one truly holds responsibility for your happiness but you.
We are a nation of blamers. Somehow that has permeated our marital and shared parenting relationships. Blaming your ex spouse is about the least valuable way to deal with any situation which may arise with your mediation negotiations or your time sharing itself.
Of course you are right and of course you can assign responsibility for failure to others but without looking at your own role in how you may have contributed to that failure you are simply wasting an opportunity for success. Be willing to look at your part in problems which arise and hold responsibility for it with commitment for change rather than mere tacit acknowledgement.

10. How we live and how we feel about our lives are always a "matter of choice".
Logic tells us that the bad things which happen to us should make us sad but it’s still a sadness we choose. Choose happiness and encourage your children to do the same. Always easier said than done, but, oh so much more rewarding in the end.
If you are demanding that others "make you happy" you will live in a world of constant disappointment. Generally that misplaced demand is exactly what destroys most relationships. Not finances. Not adultery.
This mediation will not "make you happy" but in choosing to resolve your marital dissolution in a cost effective and non litigious manner you can also choose to be happy. Remember – neither of the mediating parents should walk away the “winner” in these matters. Both of them should strive to make their children the “winners”. Don’t allow your ex spouse to steal your “chooser”. You alone make that decision even if it seems incongruent to all others such as your friends, your family and yes, even your lawyer.

11. "Fear" and its partner "Afraid" are limiting words.
Using them as part of your mediation and co parenting vocabulary and expressing them to your children has a paralyzing effect on the actions you want to take or you want them to take. The dictionary and thesaurus are filled with other words which work so much better. Try them. Do not bring "fear" with you to your mediation.

12. How you “say it” is as important as what you are saying.
The tones and body language you use in these mediated negotiations and in your time sharing efforts i.e. the way you say what you feel and express your concerns, should speak the same things as the words you choose to use. Tones and body language often speak "truth" while words often do not.
The collapse of your relationship itself can be traced to the day when your partner’s tones and body language ceased to convey the same meaning as words which were said to you. Your pets sense tone and what you are conveying by the tones you choose. Are you partners or your children less intelligent than your pets? Remember when the first time “I love you” didn’t sound like your partner meant it? Be mindful in your negotiations of the tones you use and the way you say what you want the other party to hear. You will find it amazing how much more your message is heard when you take out the angry tones. It’s not weakness to do so but, in fact, a higher plateau of self control. We can “do angry” easy, but can we learn to do co parenting communication? Which will better serve your children?
13. “ If you don’t ask, no one can tell you NO”.
Do not be afraid to put out into the universe that which you want for you and for your children.
Generally the more you ask someone to do for you the more they are willing to do. Strange isn’t it.
Negotiations are a “give and take” process and should be viewed in that fashion.
Remember too, that this is your legal matter, your future is on the line for years to come and the relationship with your children will be shaped by what you accomplish at mediation or, if unsuccessful, at trial.
You do not want to look back in anger over what you were afraid to ask for. Nor do you want to look back in anger over what you did ask for and decided not to pursue. Lobby strongly for what you want and need, take quality advice to heart from your attorney on the law and your mediator on the negotiations and use logic over emotion whenever possible.
Remember closure is a beautiful thing …at least until the next co parenting issue arises.